I have so much to say..

ok so....

my last up date was dec 14

dec 15
social life : My talked to this girl who i think is soooo pretty i want to be like her so badly.
love life: is it me or are guys straiting to notice me?
food/ diet: binging, eating alot.

dec 16.
social: friends bday.
love: it was just me. no guy would notice a big ol' tub of lard like me.
food: same.

dec 17:
last day of this semester.
social: said hello talked to my gay friends who we will call C.
i hadn't talked to C since middle school...so like almost 4 years. He looked fab as always. but now he has red hair so i called him fire crotch. lol I miss him best friends forever!!
love: hhahahah who could love me im a total fat ass.
food/diet: same as before

dec18:
social: went out shopping for relatives wedding.
love: err...b=this is pointless.
food/diet: this too is pointless

dec 19

went to wedding felt like a cow but that day was about the people getting married not me.
Can anyone say INTERRACIAL MARRIAGE. This is the second time a girl in our family (Latinos) marries a white guy. Then of course like mothers do... my mom brought up the fact that after theres only two other girls older than who haven't gotten married...then it should be my turn...*sarcasm* oh yes because my love life is looking so great ill probably get married in 2 years as soon as i turn 20.

and now for the post that belong to today.

Im sooooo tired the wedding was like 5 hours away we went and came back in one day.

They're back!!!!!!
I have this issue. Sometimes when i go to sleep my body goes to sleep but not my mind or at least thats what i think happens. It horrible it like bind trapped in a cage. I'm paralyzed. I can't move i can only control my breathing. Usually this things don't last too long. I haven't had these in a while but recently I've gotten them every other night. They started again around Friday.

So i did what i usually do. I quicken my breathing so hopefully some one hears me and tries to wake me up (no one ever does. I try to move as much as much as i can (the best I've ever done is move my finger tips). Then i just do this until it goes away.

But on Friday i gave in to it. I relaxed i let the paralysis take over me then every thing went white and i saw a field. I got scared and tried to scream because i thought i was going to stay paralyzed for ever. Then it went away and i could move again.
Some of you may not believe me but this is really true. I realize i sound extremely crazy but maybe i just am. I want to know what would happen if a gave in but i don't want to die. I'm afraid my mind will turn on me and show me horrible things.OH god I am crazy...I guess i have a sleep disorder.

oh this post is sooooo long.

Food wise i have to make holiday cookies to deliver to relatives. So ill be eating some...

I just want to tell food to go away. I'm so confused. Sometimes I think i want to accept myself other times i think of losing weight a healthy way then i get hit by reality.. I cant...

This is the only way so in name of my craziness and going back to square 1 and my blogs 1st bday coming up dec 28th
Here's my first plan i wrote on this blog.

week 1. 727
week 2. 705
week 3. 683
week 4. 661
week 5. 639
week 6. 616
week 7. 595
week 8. 547

So here you go....
The door is everything! All that once was and all that will be! The door can control time and space! Love and death! The door can see into your mind!!! The door can see into your soul!!!!!!!!!,
HG