I've been thinking

OK. So...

This is so silly and spontaneous...
Okay so im starting a journey...

I cant really call this a self acceptance journey because thats impossible for me but it is kinda of a being more me more natural.

This is kinda hard to explain. I want to be healthier...looking.
No im not going to start eating full regular meals but i will take care of my self in a more natural way. So basically stop being so how do i say this....

First I guess i have to explain my rep at school. Im not a total loser as a matter of fact im pretty popular i dont mess with a lot of people so i don't have many (if any at all) enemies. But i'm not really the approachable type and i want to breake that i want to be more of you now soome type of friendlier looking because everyone know i cant talk to anyone i cant talk to a really happy person and a really depressed personn I dont now why i guess im just versatile lol. But that doesn't really show And i really think I need to do something to kinda let that show through. So im going to baisically change my look to a more girl next door type.

Like the other day i was with few of my friends and we were all talking about wich one one word could describe each of us like for example my friend S was "fun" my friend J "wierd" and my friends bf was "shy". I got "mysterious". I was WHAT! me!?!?!? why?!?!?. they were all like oh id don't your so dark and quiet looking.

so now i'm trying to get rid of the whole quiet dark thing and just be plain friendlier on the outside. So im toning down the make up and turning up the charm.
lol i'm so lame.

This is going to be hard becouse I dont have the features for little miss friendly California girl. (Im from cali in case i hadn't mentioned that before). Im just going to try really hard to look on the outside like i am on the inside.
*warning cheasy-ness coming up*
I guess im going to try to be more myself, to let my hair curl to let my cheeks blush to laugh when i remember something to let people know im not quiet dark person. That i really am just a normal quirky person.
so.. there

not really a food related post but it is me related so yeah.
heres the food part
ist around five and only 15 cals have entered this mouth :)

h.g

I have so much to say..

ok so....

my last up date was dec 14

dec 15
social life : My talked to this girl who i think is soooo pretty i want to be like her so badly.
love life: is it me or are guys straiting to notice me?
food/ diet: binging, eating alot.

dec 16.
social: friends bday.
love: it was just me. no guy would notice a big ol' tub of lard like me.
food: same.

dec 17:
last day of this semester.
social: said hello talked to my gay friends who we will call C.
i hadn't talked to C since middle school...so like almost 4 years. He looked fab as always. but now he has red hair so i called him fire crotch. lol I miss him best friends forever!!
love: hhahahah who could love me im a total fat ass.
food/diet: same as before

dec18:
social: went out shopping for relatives wedding.
love: err...b=this is pointless.
food/diet: this too is pointless

dec 19

went to wedding felt like a cow but that day was about the people getting married not me.
Can anyone say INTERRACIAL MARRIAGE. This is the second time a girl in our family (Latinos) marries a white guy. Then of course like mothers do... my mom brought up the fact that after theres only two other girls older than who haven't gotten married...then it should be my turn...*sarcasm* oh yes because my love life is looking so great ill probably get married in 2 years as soon as i turn 20.

and now for the post that belong to today.

Im sooooo tired the wedding was like 5 hours away we went and came back in one day.

They're back!!!!!!
I have this issue. Sometimes when i go to sleep my body goes to sleep but not my mind or at least thats what i think happens. It horrible it like bind trapped in a cage. I'm paralyzed. I can't move i can only control my breathing. Usually this things don't last too long. I haven't had these in a while but recently I've gotten them every other night. They started again around Friday.

So i did what i usually do. I quicken my breathing so hopefully some one hears me and tries to wake me up (no one ever does. I try to move as much as much as i can (the best I've ever done is move my finger tips). Then i just do this until it goes away.

But on Friday i gave in to it. I relaxed i let the paralysis take over me then every thing went white and i saw a field. I got scared and tried to scream because i thought i was going to stay paralyzed for ever. Then it went away and i could move again.
Some of you may not believe me but this is really true. I realize i sound extremely crazy but maybe i just am. I want to know what would happen if a gave in but i don't want to die. I'm afraid my mind will turn on me and show me horrible things.OH god I am crazy...I guess i have a sleep disorder.

oh this post is sooooo long.

Food wise i have to make holiday cookies to deliver to relatives. So ill be eating some...

I just want to tell food to go away. I'm so confused. Sometimes I think i want to accept myself other times i think of losing weight a healthy way then i get hit by reality.. I cant...

This is the only way so in name of my craziness and going back to square 1 and my blogs 1st bday coming up dec 28th
Here's my first plan i wrote on this blog.

week 1. 727
week 2. 705
week 3. 683
week 4. 661
week 5. 639
week 6. 616
week 7. 595
week 8. 547

So here you go....
The door is everything! All that once was and all that will be! The door can control time and space! Love and death! The door can see into your mind!!! The door can see into your soul!!!!!!!!!,
HG

Its a....

MAYBE!!!!!'

I might get to stay in the U.S for at least six more months....

Which means i get to finish my senior year and go have tons of sex drugs and alcohol. lol jk

I fail my fast.(haha funny because i had a burrito which is Mexican)

thats 80 cals from tea
200 from soda
and 700 from a burrito.

thats a total 980 cals.......disgusting

ahh second semester how i absolutely adore/hate you.

guess what?
*dramatic pause*

I ran into K at target... i needed a new note book for ceramics. my bitchy teacher makes us answer questions on them if (the whole class) were bad...what are we 4 year olds?. Any ways... so i saw K and we made eye contact.....We haven't done that since last year..lol K makes me such a dork. but i think he recognized me and i just went on talking to my brother. I wish i had three wishes or at least one... to be thin

I HEARTZ YOU,
h.g

p.s lol My friends and i came up with nick names for eachother that had to do with penises i got rainbow penis lol it was either that blowjob queen. (I need to grow up)

I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

My tittle have been irrelevant lately but so has my mind.....

NO TEENAGE DREAM FOR YOU!!!!

I have to leave for mexico with my mom. She has a career in mexico. I was born here i was raised here in the u.s.a i talk like a total valley girl.
Its not much about what i want to do but more what i have to do I cant send my mother by herself. nope. I feel like i'm sacrificing so much when i'm really not. I guess i kinda am no i'm really just leaving in the middle of the year ill stick out like a sore thumb especially because IN SPANISH I HAVE THE READING LEVEL OF A FIRST GRADER!!!!

My reading in English is perfect most of my fancy diplomas are from literature and anything to do with letters and words. I've been speaking Spanish since i was born and i speak good Spanish grammatically correct Spanish. The problem is I grew up here I was raised by this culture this environment. I don't know what will happen.. will I fit in? my dreams my aspirations my graduation..... This was too drastic of course theres internet in mexico so ill keep blogging but my friends... i'm being suddenly torn from them from my School and its charming yet prison-like appearance.
I'll be wearing a uniform maybe i'll post a picture maybe i wont depends how much it makes me want to puke. lol I don't think i have the body to rock a uniform.lol you guys know what this means????

Liquid fast until after new years which is when i leave.

SO.... that was most of my venting.

DID I MENTION I'M NOT GONNA FIT IN I'M PROBABLY GONNA BE SOME SAD OUTCAST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I' ll make friends right i mean who wouldn't be my friend???????

OMG!!! what if the uniform sizes are too small?!?!?!?

would a large from there be the same as a large from here?!?!?

If not im doomed, everyones gonna be sooooo much skinnier than me!!!!

So i planned on living at home while attending college next year.

I can still meet up with K if i come back in time......

But K seams kinda meaningless right now..

On the other hand its a fresh start and also theres no way my mom will be able too cook for me so basically im in charge of my own nutrition....*evil laugh*

no forcing me too eat and if I really hate it there, ill just be too depressed to eat.

But im mostly scared for my safety I've been watching the news lately and some parts of mexico are crazy. I'll have to be extra careful... Thats what my mom said.

Have any of you read the hunger games? not its not about eating disorders. These are good books i recommend them they are way too easy but the story is very cool.

(reference to books)So basically moving to mexico would be like moving from the capital to district 12.

I'm losing my life guys... who will i become? what will i do?


you guys get to stick around for the ride lol

"It's not a hill it's a mountain
As you start out the climb
Do you believe me or are you doubtin?
We're gonna make it all the way to the light
But I know I'll go crazy if I don't go crazy tonight "

music knows me too well,
H.G





I think I'll go crazy if i dont go crazy tonight.

watch out for the blahblahblah!!!!

*bends over sink*

ok just throw up just get it out of your self go just go do it

*throws up look up at mirror*

damn i need a hair cut...

and....scene

thank you thank you very much

that honestly sounds like one crazy indie flick....

so this is how my first day as a freshman should go....(it also tells you my daily routine.)

I wake up its still dark outside...

i wash my face with regular soap and then use some

I smear on a some concealer then turn on my ipod to bliss by muse.

then dust on some translucent powder then put on some barely noticeable brown eye shadow the line both bottom and top of eyes with dark brown liner and smudge it a bit. curl my lashes and put on some mascara.

the i straighten my hair (to tame frizz and add shine) while lip syncing to crystal castles crimewave...

then i curl it while doing to same then straighten my bangs...At this point i have straight front bangs...

once i'm done being a dork and doing some creepy retro dance i wash the hair products out of my hands and apply some blush and some coral gloss

then ashtray heart by placebo

then ill actually sing to this song while i put on my dark wash skinny jeans (ill hopefully be skinny by then)

then my white tank top then a blue and black striped cardigan

then my black ballet flats

and some long fake pearl necklaces

then ill spray my self like crazy with my coconut scented perfume and rub on some of the lotion from the same set.

then ill go downstairs for some tea.. then ill come back up to brush my teeth while i have to return some video tapes by breathe Carolina plays.

I havent lost my high school music taste yet its only my first year okay -_-

and ill pick up my jansport back pack (from highschool)

then ill arrive and then school happens and i hope fully run into k and he sees hoe im skinny but still do my hair the same and then he talks to me and asks me out and the im the happiest girl in the world..........................

a girl can dream...

so thats my plan for next year i have six months to make this happen..... ill read this post for mativation ....

Hunger+ tear + struggling / love= beauty

te quiere mucho,

hannie <3>

im gunna go work out now....

well then legless crawl...

say what? i have no idea I've been sick the whole week which made me gain my 3 pounds back then i lost 2.5 which technically means i only gained .5. so...... about my last post....

Though i appreciate all the comments on my last blog....I LIKE BEING TORTURED!!!!

Yes i do want to cry when i think of him (my life is turning into the song creep by Radiohead) but i enjoy it... Wait... i don't, i like liking him and having a reason for all of this other than myself. If this whole thing is just for me i cant do it i don't feel as if i'm the right motivation for my self. do i make sense? probably not... I like to think theres a normal reason for doing this not just so i can be a crazy lunatic person. Almost as if this was natural....

New obsession: make up. i have to have it all!!!

now read this out laud.

PENISLAND

ITS PEN ISLAND YOU PERVS

ME

If you were granted three wishes from an angel or genie what would you want?

1. to have a Victoria's secret model body proportional to my height

2. for k to like me

3. to have tons of money

Who is your favourite super hero?

Batman

If you were an animal then what would you be?

tiger.

Which is your favourite song that you would sing at a karaoke bar?

Journey - don't stop believing

Which is your favourite cartoon character?

Finn from adventure time

Which is the one romance depicted in the movies that you would want to experience in your life?

any of it really....

Which is the celebrity or actor you would want to date?

idk....taylor lautner....i know im cliche leave me alone

What is the one thing that you have done in your life that you would want to undo?

Getting fat in the first place

If you were to be reborn who would you want to be born as?

A hot person

What is the one thing that you would want your children to learn about life?

DONT GET FAT

If you could travel back in time and meet yourself as a 10 year old kid what advice would you want to give him/her?

Start dieting now before it matters

Do you believe in the afterlife?

yes

What is you current favorite song?

Y control- The Yeah Yeah Yeahs

What is you favorite color?

Right now peach its warm yet girly and soft

im being 1000% honest here

love,

Derpy Depry derrrr

I want him...

I still do its been about a year and a half since i talked to him. I still like you K. I never stopped. when i glared at you it was my anger showing that you didn't pick me. I will see you after graduation in about six months. I'll be a freshman at the same college as you. I'll be skinny with my bangs cut the way you liked them. I'll tell you of my new discoveries in the world of music....

I'll admit it.I.Still.Like.HIM

I know for a fact the first day of next year i'll be looking for him, his rusty old truck and his beautiful brown hair....................

He's my main motivation.

Skinny= k's attention.

I'm pathetic,

Hanrietta