18 fucken years.

18 years tomorrow.I have done nothing.

I just wish some one would tell me that the world would truly accept me no matter how I looked.

fear of......men?

i dont want to go into the real world. Yes i do have boyfriend but he's so immature its like im practically dating a freshman. without the creepy-ness .

I dont want to be around real men. I've shut my self in my own little "nothing but a few friends" bubble. I'm scared of older men. How the male mind works is such a mystery to me. Now if hes an older guy living outside of the lame high school world, his thought process is most likely to be even more complicated. 5 more days until i'm 18. what are we even supposed to do once we are 18. "hey i can vote now even though i never cared much for politics!!" wooooooo!!!

This isn't the first time i'm scared like this either i remember when i was going to be a freshman i was afraid that kids would be rude but what scared me the most were boys. the scary part was that they were a mystery to me. What guys thought about was a mystery..

aside from academic stuff this is what worries me about college

i want to like myself

I really do i wish i could just look at myself and "Oh that's just me, whatever" but i cant. i just want a normal self accepting brain.

Is all the snickering in my head? Do girls really say that i'm disgusting behind my back?

I'm really scared and confused. i want to be thin but i think subconsciously I really just want the confidence...

the two conflicts in my brain are will i eat good full meals tomorrow or stay under 200?

i say i want to do "poster of a girl"- metric

"its about sex that is not appropriate"

i say "blindness"- metric

"well alright but you still have two more"

i say "running up that hill" -placebo

"that song was written for a man"

damn bitch wont let me pick any songs i want and who cares whether a song is for a man a a woman.

then she goes " if you dont want to fallow the rules then you cant participate"

shes a freaken english teacher what does she know about music.

then some girl comes in with a ke$ha song and its okay for her to sing that!

Shes letting everyone do whatever song they want she just wants me to quit so her stupid niece can be in the show. I'm not letting her do that.

so my song list ends up being

"blindness"- metric

"running up that hill" -placebo

"sadness runs through him" - the hoosiers

i know should have written songs myself but I cant. I hate putting part of my self in a song and being exposed it scares me.

what should I do?

i have to choose a song to sing for a thingy my school is throwing to raise money for Japan. it gunna big it our 2 biggest high schools in the county i get 3 songs. I cant come up with any songs to sing.

just stuff

here is some results that i got on few quizzes online.

are you more Marilyn Monroe or Audrey Hepburn

You Are More Like Audrey Hepburn

You are classy, stylish, and charming. You are the true definition of grace. Some people may think you're a pushover, but they have no idea how tough you can be. You tend to draw people in with your mind. You are an intelligent and witty flirt. You are effortlessly gorgeous and naturally appealing. No one would accuse you of trying too hard. what kind of celebrity would you be?

You Would Be a Down to Earth Celebrity

You aren't easily impressed or star struck, and if you were to become famous, it wouldn't change your own opinion about yourself. You'd still treat everyone as you always have, and more importantly, you wouldn't expect to be treated any differently. You'd be friendly to your fans and as accessible as possible. After all, they're the ones who make you famous. You'd be a celebrity in the mold of Kate Winslet, Renee Zellweger, John Mayer, and Ashton Kutcher. which Victoria's secret angel are you? You Are Most Like Adriana Lima Intriguing and sultry What your bathroom habit say about you? Your Bathroom Habits Say You're Selfish You are very independent and self-centered. You don't solve other people's problems - and you don't expect them to solve yours. You spend a lot on clothes, and you tend to be a very stylish dresser. However, it's hard for you to throw away trendy clothes when they go out of style. You are a little shy and easily embarrassed. You often wonder if you are normal. In relationships, you tend to be very romantic and demanding. You'll treat your partner like gold, but you expect a lot in return. do you have the fears of an adult or child You Have the Fears of a Teenager You are still finding your footing in the world, and a lot fear stems from your own insecurity. You feel ready to be more independent and successful, but you're worried if you can really do it. You fear failure, and you also fear humiliating yourself. The less confident you are, the more afraid you are. Over time you are learning that everyone is afraid... you just have to act as if you're not! that one was shockingly true are you vain? You Are a Down to Earth Doll You're good looking and you realize that looks matter And you also know that it's your inside that really shines You do your best to look like an A-lister But you devote most of your time to being a well rounded hottie whats your inner fruit flavor? Your Inner Fruit Flavor is Pear You are an idealistic soul. You're the type of person who still believes in changing the world. You are compassionate and generous. You get joy from giving to others. You feel deeply and freely. You don't put bounds or limitations on your thoughts. You have a vivid imagination, and it's so deep that it's hard to express with words. what kind of bride will you be? You Will Be A Modern Bride! While you aren't ready to throw away all wedding traditions, you want a wedding with a twist You're more inspired by celebrity weddings on E! than from bridal magazines Whether this means getting married on the beach barefoot or a mariachi band for the reception... Your wedding will be a blend of old and new - white dress cocktail, personalized vows, whatever suites you!!! What Flavor Cupcake Are You? You Are a Vanilla Cupcake You are very sweet and mellow. You are easy going and easy to like. You are drawn to those stronger personalities. You get along with powerful people. You are like a cupcake because you appeal to almost every type of person. You are friendly and accepting. You bring out other people's best qualities. What Modern Bombshell Are You Most Like? You Are Most Like Dita Von Teese "I love playing the part of the damsel in distress." What Kind of Cake Are You? You Are a Red Velvet Cake Rich, decadent, and sensual. You have a deep appeal that transcends all trends. You are the definition of passion: intense, adventurous, and seductive. Are You Masculine or Feminine? You Are 56% Feminine, 44% Masculine You are in touch with both your feminine and masculine sides. You're sensitive at the right times, but you don't let your emotions overwhelm you. You are tough but tender. Logical but emotional. You're not a eunuch, just the best of both genders. i sound like a great guy....lol What Length Hair Should You Have? You Should Have Medium Length Hair You are easygoing and friendly. You don't get hung up on little details, and you're content. Your hair tells people that you are low maintenance and flexible. You don't need a lot to be happy. You are well liked and very energetic. You have a lot of friends, and you do something social almost every night of the week. You are witty and smart. You light up a room without really trying to. What Color Lip Gloss Should You Wear? You Should Wear Dark Rose Lip Gloss Sophisticated, classy, and timeless. What Famous Pinup Are You? You Are Marilyn Monroe A classic tortured beauty You're the dream girl of many men Yet they never seem to treat you right so many of these results contradict each other lol. this is my current favourite website you should check it out some the stuff is really funny. http://www.fmylife.com/

aww fuck

fuck.

fuck prom.

I have to go....its my fucken duty......as a girl...

I have to drop two dress sizes in 3 months. I cant achieve it in a healthy way. Fuck my life